


The Shepard's Lost

by apexbeaer



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 17:02:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10858293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apexbeaer/pseuds/apexbeaer
Summary: Purple Mage Hawke isn't as well put together as he thinks he is.





	The Shepard's Lost

The weight of the world presses more and more against his shoulders. Guilt that was curled deep inside him along with the pain just edges away from pushing him to the point of no return. It didn’t help that his family scorned him, his mother always making a passing comment about Bethany or Carver with his sneers and glares. It was coming to a head, it pushed against the mage, reckless behavior more frequent and his hands ending up bloodier than he intended.

Punishment. He was giving himself punishment for all the things he couldn’t control. Being a mage and forced to hide from the Templars for the rest of his life. Not getting to Bethany in time to save her from the ogre’s clutches. It was eating him from the inside out, nothing was ebbing the pain and his restless nights became increasingly more tearful.

Scars began marking the mage’s body, more than a mage should have. He had been throwing himself in the thick of the fights which earned a scolding from Aveline and even passing remarks about ‘how mages should stay away from the fight’ from Fenris. He brushed them off and admired the scars that now brandished him almost completely.

Varric and Isabela tried to pull him away for a night for drinks and Wicked Grace but Hawke decided against it, instead doing more work. He felt the need to push harder than he already was pushing himself, he needed his family in a grand estate sheltered away from prying Templar eyes. Work was not in short supply so he threw himself head-first into problems so that the thoughts of his own demise did not crowd him.

Merrill looked at his newly formed scars with a frown and curious eyes which almost pried Hawke’s mouth open to tell her the truth. That he hated being a mage, a disappointment to his family, and that he wished he could give his Maker giving gifts back and shove them into the Maker’s ass while spouting horrible insults about Andraste. He keeps quiet however and tried not to fall into any traps that the enemies had placed on the floor.

He doesn’t need their concern so when they give it, he simply laughs it off with a joke. Sebastian nearly went on a rant about how he should confess and lay down his burdens when he went to visit him at the Chantry being quickly shut down by Hawke saying that his burdens were his to carry and his alone.

“And I could carry more in fact,” He added with a smile and it was true. The more problems he carried that weren’t his made his life easier. His own problems were pushed to the back of his head as he pushed forward, survival he liked to call it. The group he brought along carried a lot of baggage and he was glad that he could handle problems other than his own for a while. It worked for the most part.

Until he stumbled back into Gamlen’s small shack of a house and returned to his own mother’s lingering looks and Carver’s curled lip of disgust when he came back smelling like the Hanged Man. The air was thick enough to slice through it but Hawke took a deep breath and stumbled into his bedroom, shaking as he lays on the bed with thoughts about dragging the dagger against his neck and ending it. His mabari wobbled over however, sensing his master’s distress and curled into the small cot with him. With a sleepy smile, Hawke pushed his hand through the fur and his worries and fears were pushed back though the tears that sprung to his eyes blurred his vision for a bit.

Anders commented on a few of his scars, saying that some were healed enough to completely heal them and offered his services but Hawke brushed it off, “Well the Templars could easily mistake me for a warrior than a mage,” He laughed at his own joke following it up with some clever tactics for saying how his staff was many other things rather than a staff. Anders chuckled at some of the ridiculous excuses but Hawke still noticed the concerned look on his face.

After the trip down the Deep Roads, where they lost Carver. Hawke had another family member to add to the list of people he let down and the list was getting very large in fact. His mother broke down in front of him when he returned with blood-stained treasures and Gamlen tried to comfort her with a glare firmly in place of the mage. The mage who foolishly let his younger sister get grabbed by the ogre and her face smashed in. The mage who foolishly let his younger brother accompany him to the Deep Roads and his body tainted with darkspawn blood. Another thing to add to his horrifying long list of disappointments but he had one good thing to get out of it, buying back the Amell Estate which made his mother crack a small smile when he told her the news. The nightmares returned full force that night, demons coming to pry the open wounds further and slip in and Hawke almost gave up into the clutching hands but he managed to rip away from his sleep thankfully.


End file.
